sonia

When I first drove into these apartments, I had some second thoughts, but the area ended up being very quiet. I really liked our new apartment, but the honest reason I chose to live here is because after a month of searching, it was the only place that accepted a pitbull at the time. That was one year ago... now:
1.) I rented this place through rent.com As a reward for using rent.com, I was SUPPOSED to receive a 100.00 gift card through the website after my lease was verified. The manager at the time (Barbara) never did her part, and the verification process is STILL in process after a year. Needless to say, I never got my 100.00 gift card.
2.) When I first went to see the apt., there were no screens in any of our windows. I told her I would move in if she put some in for me. Especially because I had a baby on the way. I NEVER got screens put it. We all had bug bites all the time, and spent most of the summer nights killing bugs all over the place. The apt. felt like an oven, and while every other tenant was able to open their windows freely, we could not. We could only crack them and have fans on. Even when we put air conditioners in, there were no screens to bring down and cover the top half of our windows. Once the baby was born, she also had bug bites along her ankles. After Barbara left,I complained to the main office. Victor from maintenance got a hold of me and assured me Barbara never mentioned anything to him about screens. I moved into this apt. March. I asked her constantly for screens through phone calls and even a letter with my rent payment from then up until about August or September. He came to look at my windows and told me that our windows were different from the rest of the complex, and he could not order my screens. I ended up getting these little half sliding screens that allow me to only open my windows half way. (Doesn't help in the summer with the A.C!)
3.) Suppossedly we are supposed to have assigned parking. That is not true. There are signs posted in each lot saying that you need a valid permit to park in in otherwise you will be towed- I've never received a permit, nor have I seen any on any other vehicle. Some tenants choose to put chairs on the street parking so that no one can park there. The street is a PUBLIC parking area! The people that do that don't even park their cars there ALL summer long, They park their TWO cars in the lot. Once winter came around, they decided it was better in the street, and take up spaces in the lot and the street. Also, other tenants just make up their own parking on the street and double park. The sidewalks are never shoveled early. I fell on my tailbone when I was 5 months preganant trying to walk to my car at 2:30 in the AFTERNOON!!! They should have been cleaned by then!
4.) The first two weeks of October this year got really cold. I went to turn my heat on and realized it did not work. I called the maintenance hotline. I was told that these apartment heaters do not get turned on until later in the month. Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't the heat INCLUDED in my rent? I had my 3 month old daughter sleeping with a blanket in her crib- which is VERY DANGEROUS because she could suffocate in her sleep. If I wanted to sit in my apartment in the middle of the summer and sweat my brains out with the heat on, that should be my perogative! If they are going to turn my heat on when THEY feel it gets cold out, shouldn't my rent be cheaper in the warmer months? I decide when it is cold for me in my apartment. NOT THEM! We had to go 2-3 weeks in the cold because of no heat. THEN- the nightmare began- right before Christmas Eve of 2009, our heaters stopped working. We called maintenance. It is now January 23rd, 2010. We have had to call 2-3 times a day since then because our heat is constantly off. My daughter wakes up with blue hands and feet. I dress her in socks AND TWO pairs of pajamas. She wakes up with not light blue hands and feet, but so dark blue, they look purple!!! I can't stop crying because I feel like I failed my baby with providing her with a good home. I was just notified last night that there is a bigger problem with the heater than they thought, and now we will have no heat until Monday, and that's if they're even able to fix it by Monday. My baby was sleeping in two pairs of pajamas last night because it is so cold. Other than the security and food, we might as well be outside sleeping in our car because it is so incredibly cold in that apartment!
5.) When I moved in, there was an old couple a few apartments down from us that They got up early EVERY MORNING and fed all the stray cats. They fed them on empty styrofoam meat trays. They left those trays all over the place and in the parking lot. They never once put those trays around their own apartment-only around ours. We constantly had to pick up these trays and kick canned cat food left in clumps on the ground because it attracted flies beyond belief. There were always stray cats sitting on our porch and under my car. They sprayed everywhere, so my porch always smelled like cat urine, and when I would turn on my car in the summer, I could smell cat urine. They would not even move when I walked into my home. They just hissed at me. Who knows what kind of diseases these stray animals were carrying. Then, the old couple AND their neighbor (who still resides there), took the glass out of their basement windows and put a tarp over it like a "roof" to allow the cats to go into the basement, that we ALL share and have no access to at all, to stay warm in the cold. The smell of cat urine in the summer is unbearable in our apartment. I could only imagine how much cat feces and urine is in that basement. There are probably dead cats down there too.
6) Our neighbors smoke so much marijuana, that our upstairs constantly smells like it. I wal into my apartment sometimes, and the stairway and bathroom smell so much like weed, that I swear you would think someone was smoking it in my apartment.
7) There are signs posted everywhere about picking up dog feces when walking your pet. Does anyone abide by that? NO! You can't walk anywhere without trying to avoid walking into a pile of it. People walk their pets around other people's apartments- not even their own, and they do not pick up this nastiness! I walk with a plastic bag tp pick up my dogs waste. When the snow starts to melt, there is dog waste mixed with mud, and I have nowhere to walk my dog wihtout stepping in someone else's dog's feces!!! What ever happened to being fined for this? Is anyone even monitoring this??? How can people even let their children out to play in the grassy areas with this? Isn't it a health hazard?
8) Barbabra told me when I first moved in that our apartments have access to the park to take my daughter.Has anyone ever seen the "access" to the park? It is a big hole in a rusty fence next to the aprtment she used to live in. the path down tot he park is rocky, full of tree roots and DISGUSTINGLY dirty with trash and broken beer bottles. It looks like a place homeless people hang out in. I would never be able to walk my baby's stroller down that path to the park. I feel like there might be someone lurking in the trees. It's not safe at all. Also, in another spot along that same fence down a ways, there is a HUGE hole in the fence that some kids maybe made. On the other half of that hole, is a huge drop to nothing. Someone's child could seriously get hurt playing out there. Even my dog has chased a squirrel in that direction once and almost pulled me down that slope.
9.) Our lease states that we can not have unsupervised chained dogs outside of our apartment. Why is it that Barbara who was the managaer at that time would chain her pitbull outside??? When I was 7 months pregnant, I was walking my dog to check my mail at night. Out of nowhere I saw a Pitbull running at me and my dog (whom was leashed). I did not realize at the time the dog was chained. It gave me a good scare at the time thinking I was about to get attacked by a huge Pitbull. Other tenants do this as well. They keep their dogs tied in the back area of their apartment. No one can even walk by without being barked at. there are alos a lot of loose dogs walking around with no leash. My boyfriend witnessed a huge dog attack someone getting out of their vehicle because the owner was walking it without a leash. The owner had to beat their dog off on the guy who was just getting out of his car.
10.) Tenants pile up furniture on their back porch like it's a garage. They put their garbage cans outside, and sometimes animals get at these cans and spread dirty diapers and other garbage around our back area. There are lawn chairs, drawers, bedding, etc. Don't items like these attarct vermin that we do NOT want near our homes? I do not want roaches or mice in my home. I keep my home clean.
11.) I was told my apartment comes with a dishwasher that is fairly "new" My dishwashers smells something awful and does not wash AT ALL. I rinse my dishes before placing them in there like I am supposed to, but they come out greasy and disgusting. I buy the correct rinse aid and soap. Nothing works in that thing.
12.) Also, two of my outlets do not even work in my apartment. I also told Barbara about this, and nothing was ever done about it.

I would NEVER recommend these apartments to anyone. For a two- bedroom apartment, we pay 900/mo. with heat and hot water included. (Which also reminds me that there are entire days we have no hot water!) We pay for utilities we very seldom receive. I am so dissapointed in this home.

So weird seeing Jose the other day. How can you hate someone and not hate them at the same time? That fat fuck. I don't feel like doing shit today at work. I dodn't do shit yesterday either though... lol. I guess I shoudl do SOMETHING. All I've done was organize the mess of work I still have to do. I think Helen said she was gonna come down here today, but it's only cuz she has to get something I think. I dunno- I wasn't listening. What's new?

I dreampt that my father was building something in the house.. Strange thing is- it wasn't our house. This ladder was so tall, it rose straight up to the sky into the heavens. The sun shone down on him. Then he was building this huge garage, and there were cabinets (unfinished). He had something going on the stove. Looked like chili in one of those long tubs mom uses to soak the corn husks for the tamales. Me and mom wanted to have a party in that huge garage. For some reason I wanted to get outta there. I know I somehow ended up in a public restroom. I had a backpack with me. I got into a stall. They were no longer stalls. I was in a visiting booth for inmates. They were calling Jose and they were gonna bring him from whatever facility he was in to see me. I guess i got my visit, but I don't recall seeing Jose. That damn room turned in to a damn bathroom and visiting room so many times that I really don't know what the hell it was. I remember looking under doors looking for an empty one. Turns out I was in a school and everyone was visiting inmates on their break. I found a booth where some girl told me I could have her spot. When I called to speak to a correctional officer, he told me I had to wait til Tuesday to see Jose. (God- I wish I could remember the time he said!!) As I was walking out, there was a girl in a bathroom stall doing massive amounts of cocaine. I started wandering the halls and there was this kid that was getting scolded by the principal and his parents cuz he was smoking marijuana. i wanted to tell about the girl in the bathroom, but I didn't wanna be a snitch. So I followed the principal and vice principal around trying to find a way to tell them. I walked by the stall again, and she was just sniffin' them lines like crazy. I remember standing right in front of the principal, and there was a camera recording the hallway up in the corner behind the front desk. I crumpled a piece of paper and threw it in the garbage next to her. Then I remember thinking to myself that I didn't even think they knew I was there. My presence didn't exist to them... such a weird dream...

Mike,

I'm going to start off by saying how beyond fucking pissed I am at you. Fine. You don't want anything to do with me anymore. Thas' cool, but why don't you man the fuck up and tell me your damn self? The last time I saw you, we drove around for HOURS while your girl was at work. I had a lot of fun with you that night/morning. When I last TALKED to you, you told me that I can't call your job because of Kimmy. Fine. But that night I called and that guy yelled at me, I called cuz YOU told me you lost my cell number and give it to you again. I wrote you a letter to your mom's house a few weeks ago- no response. Then your fucken girl starts talking shit cuz of a pic I put on MY friend's page. How the fuck did I know she had myspace? I don't look at Rachel's fucken friends. You got a lotta nerve talking so much shit about me to her, Mike. Yea- I talked shit to RACHEL about you cuz I found out stuff you told your guy friends. But Jose always fucken hated you, cuz I spoke so highly of you. I LOVED you. I will ALWAYS fucken love you- no matter what. You- even after 6+ years were always a part of my heart, and I always think about you. I always thought about you and thought that maybe one day I would still somehow be with you again. You need to stop telling Kimmy all these bad things about me and making it seem like I bother you and you tell me to stop bothering you. If you wanna be a complete dick, she can get all these damn entries you left on my journal. Just stop making me out to be such a damn bitch, Mike. I never expected that from you. Please don't be like everyone else in my life. You don't know what I've been through. Seems like everytime my ex would beat on me, I'd sit alone and picture you in my mind and think of how happy I was with you. How innocent our love was. Ask Rachel, cuz I'm not lying. I always miss the hell outta you and ask how you are. Whatever. If you feel like writing me back- great if not- have a good life. And get your fucken girl off my damn back, cuz she doesn't know who the fuck she's talking to.

oh my lord this weather is horrible! it's so damn hot outside today. i had to go drop off the divorce papers to the marshall today. who knew a divorce would be so damn painful? i should be happy to say goodbye to all of my past with him, but i'm not ready to. i don't want to divorce my husband. i love him. but i can't force someone to be with me who doesn't want to be with me. he was never ready to commit to someone. i'm doing much better than i have been though. i don't know how long it will take me to get over this, but i know i will someday. i remember how bad it hurt with "B". i did it then- i can do it again. i just don't understand why jose went and got a big ol' tattoo of my name on his arm- then like 7 days later- leave... whatever...

clinton moved back to connecticut. so i have his company sometimes. but he lives all the way in southbury, so i don't see him much. plus not that i don't wanna see him, but noone can replace that empty feeling i have for my baby. jose will always be my baby. he's mine.

::UGH!:: i feel like shit. well, later i guess. nothing much to say. it's hot, and i feel all blah n shit...

i haven't eaten, showered and barely slept in two days... sounds gross, but i feel like shit. i feel numb. almost like someone died. in a weird way- someone kinda did. someone took his place. someone ugly and demented, twisted- someone monsterous. i'm left at yet another standstill point in my life. not knowing how to feel what to say what to do. i feel sick to my stomach. even my soul aches. i don't even want to be awake. at least when i'm sleeping, i don't feel the pain so much. and at least in my dreans i see the real him. the real him is looking back at me. when i look into a mirror, i can see my pain reflecting there. right back at me- staring me in the face. then i look away because i'm too much of a coward to even face my own fears and pain. i see ugliness. i see my inner self crying out to me. so i sit in my room alone and wondering what to say to him next. wondering if he will even answer my calls- if he'll let me explain. if those three little words mean anything to him. if he only knew. i wonder if he can see himself at this point. and if he's pleased with these past decisions. if he is thinking about me and wonders what i am doing at this exact moment. if he's sitting there thinking these exact thoughts about me. i wonder if there is pain or love pumping through his heart for me. when he remembers me- does he remember the pain or the happiness? i'm assuming the pain, since he won't return my calls or pick up the phone. and after the way he treated me, i still am not thinking of the painful times with him. i'm thinking of the day at the casino. we were together experiencing new things. we sat and had drinks. i watched him like a child play games. i saw his hapiness and his hapiness became mine. i think of the tattoo parlor and how proud he looked of what he got. i think of the day at the lake, when we looked out at the lake together. i imagine him sitting down in my front yard reading. i was so filled with pride wathing him read those words and doing it so well. i picture his smile and how he poses for pictures. and mostly, i think of that last night, when he held me after work and brushed my hair back. he couldn't stop staring at me. he made me feel like i was a rare gem, that he couldn't take his eyes off of. like i was so valuable. like nothing could stop that love between us. told me how beautiful i was and how i am the best thing in his life.

but i threatened our relationship once again, threatening to leave. now he hates me. won't talk to me. i added pain to his already existing pain, but it's not fair. i've been so forgiving. i've had those hands on me too much. around my neck, pushing me, on my face, calling me a bitch and a ho. and i was never given any time. he kept calling and calling until i forgave him. said he'd never let me go. and no matter how painful it was to allow him back into my heart, i did. he sat in a cell rotting away filled with anger, but i continued to be our strength. i wrote everyday. i drove miles and miles to see him. more than once...out of love. so many nights, i cried because i wanted to see him and hold him. but i couldn't. and the times i got to kiss him and hold him, people were watching and timing us. there were lots of things i wanted to do with my family, but i never wanted to do without him, so i missed out on them. and the times i did decide to go, he made me feel guilty for it. that was all so long ago, but i've made so many sacrifes from the very beginning.

now, i feel like they were all for nothing. 5 years of my life- to end it all. to throw it away. i don't know what to do. i need to go away. and i think i have to because if he won't be with me, i can't stay around here. i can't live in this same city or state with him possibly bumping into him. maybe someday when he finds someone new. when he falls in love again. all i want is his happiness, but i can't bear to see his happiness be with someone else. so i can't be here. i need to leave soon. i need to go far far away. just me and solow... i don't have school and i don't have jose. those were my both futures. now they are gone for good...

i never saw the day that i would see clinton and jose as pretty much best buds. i'm so happy clint came to visit. i've missed him so much within the past 5-6 years.

my 4 year anniversary is coming up next monday.( not our wedding anniversary- that's in november. we celebrate the day we started dating.) 4 damn years with someone- holy shit this is the longest relationship i've ever had! i can't wait for our camping trip. i'm so excited. jose got his job back with my father, and it's sooooo freaken great! things will go back to normal for us very soon. :)
i just came back from school not too long ago. i'm about to go upstairs with solow and do my homework, cuz i have like 5 papers due tomorrow morning! so i'm out

{hey, mike...}

mike what the hell was THAT about @ your job???!! tom told me kimmy didn't work @ that place with you.that's the only reason i would call u there. why did they tell me to stop callin cuz they were going to file a police report?? i wouldn't have called u there if ya didn't tell me to give u the # again. i thought u didn't wanna talk to me until i got your reply askin' 4 the number. i'm so fucking pissed off right now it's not even funny. the guy that answered the phone said that someone was complaining that u r getting too many calls from a girl named sonia @ your job. this is the first time i've called and given my fucking name, so why would they say that to me?
dude, if u don't wanna talk to me anymore let me fucken know now ok, cuz what just happened to me was bullshit and str8 up embarrassing!

i'm so damn tired today. i was suppossed to get outta work at 10 'clock last night, and i ended up not getting outta there until 3 in the morning. it was weird being there alone. that stupid kid that killed those two old people the other day is having surgery on his knee today. he's lucky he's atill alive. such an asshole.

christmas was good. i got nice gifts. i was with my family. that's good enough.

how were your holidays, mike? i hope you spent them with your family. how's your grandma??!! did ya eat over her house this thanksgiving? on christmas eve, i made stuffed shelled and a shit loada italian food. i started thinking of how your family eats that on holidays.

i hate my f-u-c-k-i-n-g dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this last week has been so damn hectic for me...

on wednesday night i stayed after my shift to finish decorating the door for work. i ended up staying until 7 o'clock in the freaken morning. i wasn't even getting paid for a whole extra shift that i did. i was pissed. and on top of that, the door sucked ass. anyways... i ended up getting home around 8. here comes anna at 9:30 in the morning to do avon! so then i go back in for work at 1:30 pm. for my shift. i had a cut from the day before on my hand and the first set i pick up has blood in it without me realizing it, and blood went all inside of my cut. now i'm in the emergency room on the clock and getting all kinds of shots and meds. i have to take pills for my immune system and meds for HIV. to top that off, i need to take them until the patient is tested and cleared. there's so much more to this part, that i don't even wanna get started on it all. now it's thursday night. i leave work at my regular 10 because i'm tired even though they offered for me to stay an extra 2 hours- which i'm pissed i let go! i went to see jose. the ice got so bad out that i could not even get out of his parking lot! i had to stay the night there and once again not get a good night's sleep. then i had to go to work on friday. on saturday, solow woke me up at like 8:15 in the morning cuz he needed to go put and shit!! i had to stay up all day to make tamales and then go shopping in the crowded malls. then i had to get up early sunday for mommy's birthday. i went to sleep around 9:30 last night and didn't wake up until about 8 am. now i need to start cooking for my department's christmas lunch, i need to go to the dr. for this blood exposure shit, and i need to go fill out the application at waterbury hospital! W-H-E-W! i almost ran outta breath just explaining all of that!

now i'm sleepy all over again, and solow won't leave me the hell alone!

i gotta go start baking and shit!

omg!!! u made my freaken day, mikey, booger, buttface! how r u, baby boy? i miss u sooooooooooooooooooooooooo freaken much! i honestly never thought i would hear from you EVER again! i'm glad to hear that the time i called it wasn't that you didn't wanna talk to me. i would love to get together with you sometime. where r u working? i've asked u that before, but u never answer me... i'm not gonna stalk ya or anything geez!! LoL! do ya still live where tom does or u moved? that same day that rachel called u, i had JUST left your apartments. i was parked outside on the phone with her and she told me you lived on the first floor. i was about to honk the horn, until she told me what kim's car looked like. she was home, so i went BACK to banfield... again. that's when she called kim with some bullshit excuse to talk to you about like don or something... ok- i'm a little strange i made her go through all of that, but i just really needed to see you.

so, mike, my life has been hectic. back in june we all went to myrtle beach again. my parents,my sister, her girl, me and jose. it was beautiful there, but i just wasn't sharing the experience with the right person. it wasn't romantic at all. it was actually a huge dissapointment. the weekened after we got back, anna had her wedding (yea she got married AGAIN). jose and i were pretty much over that friday night of her wedding. we didn't even sit together at the wedding. the following monday i started a job as a teacher at the stork club in southington. on my second day, jose left the house. i lived there alone for like 2 months before i finally just gave up and moved back to mommy's house. then after 2 months at that job, i got a job offer at st. mary's hospital. i've been here now for 3 months with this great job that pays almost 3 times as much as the club was paying me. plus bubba works upstairs in the o.r, so i see a lot of him there. i plan on getting my certification this winter. i am a sterilization technician for the operating room. don't ask how i got the job- it literally just fell in my damn hands. so now, it's just me and my doggy here at my mom's. jose and i are "trying to work things out i guess" seems more like just friends with benefits though with that meaningless piece of paper that says we're married.

so here i am BABBLING like always!!! how's your family doing? how's our mom and the asshole? sorry i mean vic lol. how's jess? is she living in connecticut or is she still away? do u go to the gym on east main by the mall? jose goes there... ::ugh::

well, i need to go now. please write me back soon, luv. i miss u, snot. everytime i watch "friends", i think of u cuz of chandler- plus u got me started on that damn show. i L-O-V-E that show!!!

well, hun. take care ok? bye now. i wanna see you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! k? bye, michael michael motorcycle!

WORK,WORK, WORK... i may as well have a bed at the hospital! i hope today is not too busy. tomorrow is suppossed to be slow. we don't have too many cases. i have to leave in about 20 minutes. that's the onlt thing that sucks about a 2nd shift job. you have all day knowing you STILL have to go into work! yucky!!
solow is pissing me of right now. he's so hyper that i had to bodyslam his ass and pin him down for awhile. i love my dog, but my GAWD i can't wait to send his ass away to training! he's too damn much! he's a cutie though! my baby!

ok- i have to go to work now- soooooooooo whatever...

well, i guess my life doesn't change much ...ever...
the most exciting thing to write about is that i got food poisining last weekend from the red lobster in wethersfield, ct. don't eat there!!!

i had the kids this weekend. i had fun with them. i love having them here with me. i need to move back outta mommy's house though, cuz she doesn't like them being here. i feel like i can't do shit here. i don't even bring lunch to work from here. i just buy out all the time. it sux. i love mom though very much. my father and i just got her a gift certifiate for the wild strawberry day spa on the 16th. she'll be there for 6 hours!!!! 'm so excited. she doesn't know about it yet. a limo will bring her there and back.

i've been going crazy trying to finish my christmas shopping lately. giving shouldn't be so damn stressful. it's suppossed to feel good to give, but i think we all just get so caught up in the whole thing.i say i'm done shopping for jose, yet everytime i go out, i find something else to buy him. i got him a psp, his big escalade, stuff for his guitar, 2 dvds, spongebob for his psp [ i still need to buy a game ].

it's weird, cuz everytime december rolls around, i think of someone special to me. i always associate the date 12-09-98 with dec. so at work the other day, i kept dated documents and paperwork: 12/09/98! then i'd just think to myself and smile. i'll always have love for mike. i can't help it. i don't know if he still thinks of me or not. rachel told him i wanted to talk to him, but he flat out said no. that kinda hurt. i never thought he would say no to talking to me...it felt like such a slap in the face.

oh well. i'm gonna go to bed now. i am so FREAKEN tired!!!!!

wow, i really feel like it's been a loooong ass time since i have written in ym journal. so many things have changed in my life. for the good i suppose. i have been working at the hospital for almost two months now. i really miss the hell out of those kids at the daycare though. i have exams to take in december to get my certification as a csp tech. then i am going to start to study for my exams to take to get my instrumentaton certification. it's crazy. i was up in a surgery last night where a poor girl was excited because she had a positiv pregnancy test. she started having really bad pains. it turned out the baby was growing in the fallopian tube. the dr. removed it, so she no longer is going to have a baby, and she's missing a tube. so sad...

i really do need to dedicate more time to studying though. when i first started, i was so busy talking to carmelo every night that i wouldn't study. i was so excited to talk to someone different in my life. and someone who lived a safe distance away from my life now. my "italiano"! "siciliano"!!! crazy guy. he's such a fun person to be around and talk to. i like him a lot. we still talk from time to time, but i guess my heart still belongs to jose, and i feel guilty talking to another man.

but anyways. i am going to go finish washing clothes before i head out to work.

i'm sitting here in front of the computer fattening up like a prize fucken turkey. i hate when i eat this late at night. i started working at the hospital down in central supply. i come home at night and i eat basically until i either can't anymore or i fall asleep- which ever comes first. i miss my other job a lot. i miss the kids so damn much!!! those little shits! i used to have this little boy named sebastian. he had this cute high-pitched voice and every time he wanted to know the word for something, he would point to it and say, " this? this?" over and over again until i would answer him. so today a lady was talking to a guy named ralph in my dept. and she said," this? ralph, this?" and she kept saying it. it put a smile on my face thinking of that little boy, and i got a little sad. i was thinking of calling meghan tomorrow while she was at work so that i could ask her how my babies are doing.

well, i guess that's about it. jose and are on speaking terms again... for now. we'll see how far that goes. the weekend is coming up, so that could quickly change if he fucks up again... no comment, no predictions no expectations.

i guess i'll go to bed now. my puppy is upstairs waiting oh so patiently for me to go to sleep. he was so cuddly all last night. i love him! i didn't want to get up from bed this morning because he had his little nose in my neck and then somehow we ended up with his arm around me and my head on his chest!! LOL he's so damn adorable! whih reminds me i really do have to go now because i go into work an hour earlier tomorrow for some extra training.

mike- you're a fag by the way. i guess we're not friends anymore. butthead. buh bye. :o(

ok, so there i was a little jealous that i would be going to the club/bar with sonia & jason and sis & xiomi because they were coupled up and i wasn't. i was sitting all bored most of the time and any minute expecting to see my husband walk in and possibly with some bitch which would truely break my heart. what really bothered me was that my sister's girl always looks so damn depressed no matter where in the hell we are. it makes me upset. she never gets up and dances with my sister, and my sister and i are kinda like my father. we need someone who is upbeat and outgoing to motivate us to have fun cuz we're kinda laidback. my sister is worried about me being happy all the time, but it's been bothering me since last night when i saw them both just sitting there at the table. i want my sister to have someone loud and happy and pulling her arm to go and dance and to tell her she's beautiful. my sister's confidence is much like mine too. in the fact that there isn't much of it there. that's what i miss most of jose. he was always the life of EVERY single party and gathering we went to. i miss him so much... i try not to tell anyone that too much because i start hearing how he hit me and how horrible he sometimes treated me, but it's eating me up inside. everywhere in waterbury reminds me of him, and every guy i see somehow reminds me of him. when guys look at me or say something to me, i still compare them to him and how much love i have for him. my family will never understand how much i'm hurting. they didn't live with him and see his face every morning and hold him at night, cook with him, struggle financially the way we did together. i just feel like such a fucken pendeja! i got kicked outta home to live with him, waiting- FAITHFULLY none the less while he sat in jail, begged dad for jose to live with them, put up with the violence and pain, helped him in court, lost a job cuz i missed too many court days, took care of his kids, and still- here we are today- seperated. me staying up late calling and calling to see where he is, wondering what he's doing and who he's doing it with, wondering- does he miss me? is he thinking of me? is he eating, sleeping well, stressed out??? i took those vows for life. i can't just hate him and not worry about him no matter what's going on. noone takes marriage seriously anymore. i took it very seriously. my sister is always like, "fuck him! forget him! sonia, stop calling him!!!" i can't do that, damnit! i married him! even if he's not stressing about this or if he's pretending not to- that's him, but i swore through sickness and health, better or worse, richer or poor- till DEATH do us part... i know it's 2005 and divorce is no big a deal these days, but mommy raised us with her beliefs,and while we may not have followed all of them, i do have my self respect and a lot of her morals came with me. i can't help the way i am. marriage just isn't a game for me.


well, anywho- i guess that's it. it's hot as hell here today! i'm waiting for sissy to get here cuz she's suppossed to come clean her car here. i think i'm gonna do mine too, but it's SCORCHING out there!!!

that's it...

well, things are going pretty good for me i guess. i have started paying stuff off for my car finally, and i have insurance now. i'm still working for the club, and i gotta say, i really LOVE those kids! today we had a luau outside, and they had so much fun1 i did face painting for the kids, and even i had a lot of fun.i didn't really wanna leave work. i'm kinda nervous cuz i'm going to venue with my sister tomorrow night where all of jose's friends hang out. i hope none of them are there, but they probably will be there. that would suck if jose ended up there. at least then i'd catch him in his lies!

well, nothing more to say. i'm gonna go now.